A Handy Guide to Holy Honorifics

As the Cartoon Jihad spins along, I am noticing how newspapers refer to Mohammed. The name itself rarely stands alone. The New York Times likes "the prophet Mohammed," while other papers probably go with "the Prophet Mohammed."

Islamists make a big deal out of their respect for other prophets, like Moses and, um, Issa. I heard one man babbling about that on TV from the protest at the UN yesterday. Having grown up among the God-fearing Southern Baptists of Hidalgo County, Texas, I instantly thought, "Dude, you're all wrong. His name ain't Issa. That's disrespectful to the max. You want to play the prophet-respect game, you'd better get with the right nomenclature."

So the next time an Islamist wants to spout off on his love for the other prophets, he'll make a much better impression if he uses terms that resonate in the West. Let's start with Issa. "Jesus" works OK. "Jesus Christ" carries a little more heft. "Jesus the Christ" has a more antique, Greek-novelist sound, but it still gets the point across.

But to really rise and shine and get your Religion of Respect message across among that key Southern Baptist constituency, Islamists had better wrap their vocal cords around "My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." Now that's got a real nice ring to it, right up there with "the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH)." From McAllen to Terlingua to Crawford to Amarillo, that phrase will win you friends and influence people. Attending Friday night football games wouldn't hurt your cause in Texas either, but that's a lesson for later.

That's just for beginners. You surely want to make nice with your audience of the Hebraic persuasion, like me. References to "Ibrahim" grate on my big floppy Jewish ears. So try the correct pronunciation: "Avraham" or "Avroham," or, if you're in a cousin-kind of mood, "Avi" will work. Moses -- you'll do best with "Moshe Rabbeinu (Moses Our Teacher)." And if you want to chant something that would show true respect to Moses, add "Am Yisrael Chai" to your play list for the next riot, I mean, peaceful demonstration.

Finally, the concept exists of an American civil religion. I agree with that idea, and have always considered the President the living embodiment and executor of this faith, which runs in a direct line from the Mayflower Compact through the Bill of Rights, Gettysburg, the Sherman Anti-Trust Act, the Dallas Cowboys playing football on Thanksgiving Day, the Air & Space Museum, and on to annual Giving of the Word, otherwise known as the State of the Union address.

In my religion as an American, the President must be treated as a prophetical character, with no excessive criticism. He can be drawn, but only in a flattering manner suitable for framed portraits in the White House. Thus, any publication or group that defames Our Prophet the President, the Living Avatar of American Justice and Liberty, must be firmly rebuked and educated in the proper nomenclature, lest the wrath of Americans exercising their Second Amendment rights rain down upon thee like fiery darts of chastisement.

You respect our prophets and we'll respect yours. Case closed.

I'm not holding my breath.