D.P. Camp Gaza, July 2006: News from the Near Future

Displaced Persons Camp Gaza, July 4, 2006: Initially, the victory of Hamas in Palestinian elections last January caused some nervousness among Palestinians. They heartily agreed with the plan to throw the Jews into the sea, but the other aspects of Hamas' platform didn't sound so pleasant.

By March, the Hamas program began to take hold with Shari'a, sex-separated schools, an end to all Western music and cinema, mandatory burkas for women and the confiscation of all shaving equipment for men. The daily beheadings of hold-out Fatah members further heightened unease. Some Palestinians secretly called for joint U.S.-Iraqi intervention to stop the killings. And not a single Jew had been thrown into the sea.

The great revolt began the night of April 12, as Jews celebrated the first seder of Passover. Gazing at dynamic, tolerant Israel so close but unfathomably far away, tens of thousands of Palestinians spontaneously rebelled against Hamas' plague of blood in the most dramatic way possible. They decided they would become Jews.

Later, many people swore they saw the "Angel of Life" sweeping through the refugee camps. Within days, thousands of Palestinians fled to the borders of Israel and declared they were willing to immediately convert if they could then be admitted to Israel. The move enraged Hamas, which attacked the new refugee camps, but heavily armed Fatah members repelled most of the attacks.

One of the new converts explained his determination to become Jewish despite the furious assaults: "Better to die a Jew than live like a schmuck under Hamas."

Accustomed to sudden surges of immigration, the Israeli government reacted with calm efficiency. Absorption and security officials fanned out through the camps, such as D.P. Camp Gaza, to interview families to weed out infiltrators and determine the sincerity of the conversion. Engineering crews built emergency mikvahs to handle the wave of conversion ceremonies.

By May, hundreds of Chabad's most seasoned shluchim appeared throughout the camps to organize and instruct the new Jews. Before long, stickers saying "We Want Moshiach Now!" written in Arabic appeared, along with blue tzedaka boxes.

By June, with ulpan and religion classes proceeding smoothly, the Judeo-Palestinians were definitely getting the knack of their new faith and culture. For example, the first synagogue in D.P. Camp Gaza bitterly split into two opposing factions over the issue of gay rabbis. The first bar mitzvah was a big success, disrupted only when a Kalashnikov rifle accidently discharged during the kiddush (no injuries were reported).

Reaction in the U.S. was mixed. David Letterman tickled his audience at the CBS Late Show with his "Top 10 Plagues Wished Upon Hamas" (number 1 was Suha Arafat).

Abraham Foxman of the ADL sent out an urgent fund-raising appeal that said, "I am deeply troubled by the conversion of thousands of Palestinians to Judaism. This is nothing less than the latest diabolical plot by the Religious Right to CHRISTIANIZE America! Send in your donations now!!"

Notaries public throughout D.P. Camp Gaza are busy helping the converts legally change their names. Most of the converts adopted Hebrew names as part of their plan to enter Israeli society. Some, however, opted for names associated with American Judaism as a way to distinguish themselves and perhaps garner more support from the U.S.

One couple for example, went from being Ali and Yasmina to Harvey Fierstein and Barbara Streisand. Barbara told Kesher Talk, "Ali -- excuse me, I mean Harvey -- and I are huge fans of Broadway musicals. And, believe it or not, 'Yentl' has always been incredibly popular at Palestinian video stores. So it seemed natural to honor these Broadway legends." Harvey added, "I've already got us tickets to see 'Spamalot' when it plays in Tel Aviv. Barbara's plotzing, she's so excited."

An informal survey found that other Judeo-Palestinians are now calling themselves Philip Roth, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Tony Kushner, Ron "Hedgehog" Jeremy, Madonna, Kinky Friedman, Sara Michelle Gellar, Alan Greenspan, Judge Wapner, Jack Bauer, Fran Drescher, and Montel Williams.

Informed that Montel Williams is not, generally speaking, considered a Jewish name in the U.S., one man replied, "Montel, Shmontel, as long as they let me in."