HUMOR: Orthodox Rabbis Demand Cartoon Characters Observe Laws of Family Purity

Asserting that "those imams are on to something," a radical fringe of Orthodox rabbis rampaged through Brooklyn demanding that married female cartoon characters observe "tohorat ha-mishpacha," These Jewish laws of family purity make couples refrain from sex during a woman's period and a week afterward.

"Our religion demands total subservience to its minutiae, and this is the right time and place to speak up for our right to run your life," said a spokesman for Rabbis Obsessed With Women's Bodies (ROWWB). He asked to be identified by his street name, "Rabbi Diddy," or R. Diddy.

"Every time we open the comic pages of Newsday we find rampant immorality and that must stop," said R. Diddy as the group marched through the trendy Brooklyn neighborhood of Park Slope, terrifying liberal shoppers at the Food Co-op. "Ours is a religion of peace and we will be peaceful as long as you totally comply with every aspect of our system."

The rabbis demanded that cartoon strips refrain from showing characters having sex or even touching while the women are niddah, or unclean.

ROWWB's first target is the strip Cathy, in which characters Cathy and Irving consummated their long-time romance last February with a widely hyped marriage.

R. Diddy explained, "His name is Irving, Cathy spends lots of time on the phone talking to her mother, she obsesses about her weight. Bubbele, they're Jewish! We wish them a long life of happy and imaginative shtupping -- including, I might add, in the reverse-cowgirl position -- but they've got to make some major changes. Our rebbitzins are already setting up a calendar for Cathy to show when she needs to hit the mikvah."

Artist Cathy Guisewite, who started the strip in 1976, is reportedly interested in the idea and may even put Cathy in a sheidel (wig) worn by pious married women. Some observers believe husband Irving is growing payeses (sidecurls).

Asked about future targets for rabbinical rage, R. Diddy said "Brenda Starr" is "far too immodest and needs to stop that delicious sparkle in her eyes."

He also expressed concerns about "Rugrats," noting, "Those kids are getting too old to have mixed-sex play. We'll be contacting the artists to demand separate-sex panels."

ROWWB ended its march in front of the Park Slope Food Co-op, chanting, "Hey, hey, ho, ho, immodest toons have got to go." They then distributed copies of the book "A Hedge of Roses" to curious shoppers.

After skimming the book, one bitter Jewish husband exclaimed, "You mean we can have non-stop sex for two weeks every month? Sign me up for that!"