CIA defends intelligence on Super Bowl half-time show

As the United States reels from the damage inflicted by Janet Jackson during the Super Bowl half-time show on February 1, Director of Central Intelligence George Tenet spoke forcefully this week to defend the CIA’s actions to uncover WND, or “Weapons of Nipple Distraction.”

“I am proud of the work our analysts did before the Super Bowl,” Tenet declared before a closed-door meeting of the Recording Industry Association of America. “Success and perfect outcomes are never guaranteed when you are dealing with half-time entertainment—or, for that matter, awards shows like the Oscars. We put our skills and reputations on the line every day to protect Americans from WND and other threats. This is a serious breach, and the American people, and Matt Drudge, deserve to know what happened.”

Tenet spoke as the furor over the Janet Jackson-Justin Timberlake performance continued to roil the country. A new Gallup poll revealed that 89 percent of Americans now believe that Jackson and Timberlake defeated the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl XXXVIII. IN fact, the National Football League has ordered the New England Patriots to return the Vince Lombardi Trophy so it can be awarded to Jackson and Timberlake. In the Gaza Strip, thousands of Palestinians who had watched the game via satellite poured into the streets, chanting, “Death to America, death to Israel, death to nipples!”

In his speech, Tenet said CIA analysts had picked up “chatter” before the game indicating that something was in the works. “The CBS website warned something ‘shocking’ would happen at the game and we took that threat seriously,” said Tenet. “our communications intercepts heard Justin Timberlake saying, “I’m going to get you naked by the end of the song,’ repeatedly during the week. As you must understand these are very, very ambiguous messages open to enormous shades of meaning and interpretation. The CIA would never force a single perspective on any of these streams of intelligence. For example, some of our most experienced analysts were of the opinion that Justin was simply pining for ex-flame Britney Spears not Janet Jackson, when he sang about getting somebody naked. Was that the right call? In retrospect, not quite. But we work in a wilderness of mirrors. Sometimes Janet’s naked, sometimes Britney, and a lot of times, Paris Hilton.”

Tenet continued, “I probably shouldn’t mention this, but we definitely nailed down that the ‘something shocking’ was going to be a surprise appearance by Michael Jackson. MTV absolutely had this in the works. Our sources within MTV learned that Michael Jackson planned to run on the stage, do some moon walking, and then pull down Justin Timberlake’s pants. We immediately alerted the President, Justin Timberlake’s security staff, and the Secret Service, which arranged for Vice President Cheney to b moved during the game to a secure location equipped with additional defibrillators in case he had an unusually strong response if Michael Jackson went ahead with his nefarious plan. Fortunately, Michael Jackson was isolated in his spiderhole at Neverland and, we believed, in good faith, that the threat ended there.”

Tenet noted that the events at the half-time show buttressed the Administration’s assertion that America faces a foe that can shift quickly as circumstances and opportunities arise. As soon as the threat from Michael Jackson to pull down Justin Timberlake’s pants was neutralized, the threat morphed to a “costume malfunction” that, cleverly used Timberlake as the instigator rather than the victim.

“We are forming an internal investigation team to assess what we missed. We will hear testimony from Paul Abdul, for example, on choreography issues. In fact, Paula has agreed to serve as a consultant to the CIA and help us start our new choreographic analysis program, which will help us develop a sharper, more informed view of the threats embedded in song-and-dance routines.”