As the United States reels from the damage inflicted by Janet Jackson during the Super Bowl half-time show on February 1, Director of Central Intelligence George Tenet spoke forcefully this week to defend the CIA’s actions to uncover WND, or “Weapons of Nipple Distraction.”
“I am proud of the work our analysts did before the Super Bowl,”
Tenet declared before a closed-door meeting of the Recording Industry Association
of America. “Success and perfect outcomes are never guaranteed when you are
dealing with half-time entertainment—or, for that matter, awards shows like the
Oscars. We put our skills and reputations on the line every day to protect
Americans from WND and other threats. This is a serious breach, and the
American people, and Matt Drudge, deserve to know what happened.”
Tenet spoke as the furor over the Janet Jackson-Justin
Timberlake performance continued to roil the country. A new Gallup poll
revealed that 89 percent of Americans now believe that Jackson and Timberlake
defeated the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl XXXVIII. IN fact, the National
Football League has ordered the New England Patriots to return the Vince
Lombardi Trophy so it can be awarded to Jackson and Timberlake. In the Gaza
Strip, thousands of Palestinians who had watched the game via satellite poured
into the streets, chanting, “Death to America, death to Israel, death to
nipples!”
In his speech, Tenet said CIA analysts had picked up “chatter”
before the game indicating that something was in the works. “The CBS website
warned something ‘shocking’ would happen at the game and we took that threat
seriously,” said Tenet. “our communications intercepts heard Justin Timberlake
saying, “I’m going to get you naked by the end of the song,’ repeatedly during
the week. As you must understand these are very, very ambiguous messages open
to enormous shades of meaning and interpretation. The CIA would never force a
single perspective on any of these streams of intelligence. For example, some
of our most experienced analysts were of the opinion that Justin was simply pining
for ex-flame Britney Spears not Janet Jackson, when he sang about getting somebody
naked. Was that the right call? In retrospect, not quite. But we work in a
wilderness of mirrors. Sometimes Janet’s naked, sometimes Britney, and a lot of
times, Paris Hilton.”
Tenet continued, “I probably shouldn’t mention this, but we
definitely nailed down that the ‘something shocking’ was going to be a surprise
appearance by Michael Jackson. MTV absolutely had this in the works. Our
sources within MTV learned that Michael Jackson planned to run on the stage, do
some moon walking, and then pull down Justin Timberlake’s pants. We immediately
alerted the President, Justin Timberlake’s security staff, and the Secret Service,
which arranged for Vice President Cheney to b moved during the game to a secure
location equipped with additional defibrillators in case he had an unusually
strong response if Michael Jackson went ahead with his nefarious plan. Fortunately,
Michael Jackson was isolated in his spiderhole at Neverland and, we believed,
in good faith, that the threat ended there.”
Tenet noted that the events at the half-time show buttressed
the Administration’s assertion that America faces a foe that can shift quickly
as circumstances and opportunities arise. As soon as the threat from Michael
Jackson to pull down Justin Timberlake’s pants was neutralized, the threat
morphed to a “costume malfunction” that, cleverly used Timberlake as the instigator
rather than the victim.
“We are forming an internal investigation team to assess
what we missed. We will hear testimony from Paul Abdul, for example, on choreography
issues. In fact, Paula has agreed to serve as a consultant to the CIA and help
us start our new choreographic analysis program, which will help us develop a
sharper, more informed view of the threats embedded in song-and-dance routines.”
